Mixed Emotions

Here I sit, 2 days before my “baby” officially turns 1.  While I do realize this upcoming Saturday is all about celebrating Ben, I can’t help but have mixed emotions about this milestone birthday. 

It has never been a secret that I have loved being pregnant. And anyone who knows me, knows I would have 12 more pregnancies if I could!   I also don’t think it is a secret that I love my babies with every ounce of my heart and soul.  I want everything wonderful for them.  The plans of my future are filled with laughter, happiness and love all centered around them and our family. 

So why so glum as this little loves big day approaches? 

I think if I honestly answer that question, I would respond by saying the watching my “babies” grow up part is scary for me.  It is scary in a “it is happening to fast” way.  Yes, I want them to be on baseball teams, go to sleepovers and be able to be on their own…but, I don’t want this “baby” stage to end for me.  Selfish, I know!   I want the nighttime snuggles. I want the phrase “I want my mommy” and the moments when out of the blue one of them randomly says “I love you Mommy”.  I want dress up fairy tale teaparties, and being “caught” by a spiderweb or knowing my face is the most exciting thing in a game of peek a boo. 

I keep telling myself that the best is yet to come.  For one day when there are no longer dress up teaparties, there will be manicure parties.  And where I once was “caught” in webs, I will find myself driving around dirty boys to ball fields. 

I know it has to change.  I know it is happening and I can’t stop it. 

I just so badly wish I could bottle all this innocence and tenderness up into a bottle and break it out from time to time when I need a little reminder. 

So selfishly, I am having a hard time with Ben turning 1.  I am so excited for this little love and have loved every minute of our first year together! 

I do also realize my children aren’t graduating college tomorrow and aren’t packing boxes to move out of my house-   maybe it is my hormones or this wacky weather that has me all sappy!  So now, after my little sappy post, I will wrap up this soap box and go save the world for the loves upstairs who need me so! 

Happy Early Birthday Baby Ben!!!